gorgeous and affecting (joans23) wrote,
gorgeous and affecting
joans23

  • Mood:

it's looking like a limb torn off




So I admit I'm not on top with what's happening in fandom and what's acceptable or not, but I got a notification over the weekend that someone named demondetox referenced one of my fics. When I checked it, I saw that she had re-posted my post in its entirety on her journal. She doesn't take credit or claim to have written it, she just posted the whole thing there again. Now, I know people keep lists and things, but normally they just link back to the original post, no? I'm not the only one, she did the same to a couple of others as well, but it doesn't seem like someone's commented on it yet. Should I even let this bother me? I don't know, it's just too random and weird to even make much sense. Sorted!

ANYWAY! The countdown is down to 12 days. 12 days! I won't say I'm getting nervous exactly, but the magnitude of what's about to happen is starting to really hit home. My entire life is changing, there's a whole new course on which it is being set. It can be very overwhelming thinking about all of it, but so far I've managed to keep the quietly freaking out sessions to a minimum. It helped to realize that it's not just me being affected this way, and that my guy is also very much aware of how some things are coming to an end and will never be exactly the same ever again. Not that it's bad, it's just new and strange and a little scary!

Which is kinda what I wanted to write about today. I want to talk to you, kelleigh in particular, but whatever. If I'm gonna spew my diatribe, then I might as well direct it to whomever is out there and wants to listen. I saw Kels asking today, what should I do with my life, and it just hit me. A few years ago I was asking myself the same question, wondering if it was even worth going on with it to begin with. I didn't have the answer, I just knew that I couldn't go on the way I was. I couldn't bear being that unhappy any more - it was killing me. So somehow, one day, I just started changing it, taking control. I hated my body. I couldn't stand looking at my fat face in the stupid mirror at all. Here was something I could do, I could work on. So I joined a gym for the first time in my life, I started eating right. It was tough, it still is, but it was something I could do. I found my therapy out on the road, in the hills, anywhere my shoes could take me.

I was lonely. I was scared. But, hard as it was, it was something I could do something about. When someone asked me if they could set me up, I freaked the fuck out and nearly bailed, but I did it. I met people and my life has been filled by so many new and wonderful faces. I reconnected with old friends, and it was amazing to have them welcome me back with open arms and tell me how much they missed me.

What does any of that mean, you might ask. Just that, I don't know, I think the answer to the question is, go out and live it. Yes, it's hard and yes, people, circumstances and life itself might seem to want to keep knocking us down, but we're stronger than that, for heaven's sake! Cry a little, wallow, that's cool. But then we get up and dust ourselves off and try again. Because it's worth it. I think of what my life was before, such a short time ago really, how miserable and sad and alone I was, and where I am today and I can't believe it's the same person, the same life. And the power to change it rests with no one else but ourselves. Once we've decided to do something, to make it better, we only need to find a way, and it's surprising how easily that way is often revealed to us.

Life is still hard. There are still things that aren't working, that make me sad and unhappy. It will probably always be that way. But I know now, the power to do something about is in me. I can knuckle down and take the hits if I think it's worth it - and it normally is! - and make it the fuck better.

Sorry for the pretentiousness, Kels. I know I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about and I don't know your situation and what you're going through. But you are my friend, and it hurts me to see you so unhappy and struggling and so yeah, I will annoy you with my crap, if it's the only thing I can do. I love you, there are so many people that love you. There is so much love and joy and success out there still for you to find and experience and I can't wait for all of that to happen.

Enough of that, then. LOVE TO ALL!!!!!!1

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  • 12 comments

  • it's better than I ever even knew

    The TV is playing, the sound turned all the way down. The fan whirs as it stirs the muggy air around. The smells of dinner linger and cling to his…

  • Hold me down

    Had I ever been stripped so raw? I was set alight, flayed down to the very bone. It was too much, too deep, too sharp. I couldn't stand it. Never…

  • Without doors

    He asked if I wanted to take a shower with him, trying so very hard to mask his shyness behind the almost casual request. My equally casual 'sure'…